Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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