NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
