I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
