I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
