i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
