He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
