I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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