my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
