I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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