Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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