just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the raccoons are back...
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