She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize