I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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