I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
