i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize