You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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