I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
