You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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