at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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