I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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