also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
