My room smells like vodka and shame
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
