Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
apparently the secret to your success is patron
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
