zippers are such a cool invention
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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