FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
