i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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