Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can I color on your dick again?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
