It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
