i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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