how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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