I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
