It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
