suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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