I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
