i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
