Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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