I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
