I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize