Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just found a bag of teeth...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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