yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
