Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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