Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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