I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
