I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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