trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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