Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize