someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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