I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
