I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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