Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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