so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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