some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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