yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
