She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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