i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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