Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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