He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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