Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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