I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
