Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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