i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
