dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
