help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I supernannyed him into submission
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
