I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
