note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
